How Soon/How Long

This entry was posted by on Friday, 4 May, 2007 at

When I returned from New Orleans last year, I was passionate about God. The next day happened to be “Student Ministry Sunday” or something at my church, so a group of high school and college students were leading the music that day in lieu of the usual band. They played a lot of songs that I did not know, but I sang along with all my heart… because the words are up on the screen and knowing the melody in advance doesn’t really matter much for a guy like me anyway.

I started writing a song back then too. The lyrics were based on several of my blog posts at the time. For awhile it had the working title of “April 1st”, merely because that was the day on which it was born. A year later, April 1st has come and gone and I still haven’t finished it. How soon we forget indeed. I also happened to notice that this week was the one year anniversary of my “new” blog.

On one of the last days of my trip to New Orleans this year, one member of my team commented to another, “It really makes you appreciate what you have back home, doesn’t it?”
Home? I thought, I’ve got NOTHING at home. Nothing and no one. So painful was the thought of having to go back to school on Monday that I was honestly hoping that that the plane would crash. It’s perplexing to me that while in New Orleans, more than one of my team members mentioned that they were encouraged by my work ethic, Whereas around here, especially concerning school, my work ethic is almost non-existent. “How come you never have homework to do?” I was asked recently. “You mean- ‘Why am I never doing my homework?'” I replied.

But I was talking about music. Last Sunday my church group had another “worship night.” Or at least, we were supposed to. Due to some miscommunication, no one was there to lead it. Of course I realized, living quite close to the church as I do, I could procure a guitar fairly quickly. Nor was I the only one to realized this. But I just didn’t feel like it. Curiously, I had considered bringing my guitar along that night anyway when I thought that someone else was going to be leading, but had decided against it.

Perhaps it was all those times last year when we kept scheduling worship nights which I felt obligated to lead by default, despite the fact that I was in open rebellion against God at the time. I would sing about loving and praising God, and then go right home and break things in frustration. So I just had a bad taste in my mouth for worship music.

But haven’t I been waiting for just such an opportunity for months? Well no, not this opportunity exactly. And I had fallen out of practice again anyway. But in a sense, yes, I suppose I was. So that’s another chance come and gone. I considered having a little worship night at my house this weekend to make up for it, but if there’s one thing I avoid more than playing music… it’s having people over to my house.

So at last I see the depravity of my ego. It’s not even enough that I be asked to play… I need to be begged. Speaking of which, a month or so ago, a friend was showing off his new piano and this girl was positively pleading for him to play the “Moonlight Sonata.” He declined repeatedly, as I sat there quietly fuming all the while. Now, how could I possibly take that personally, you ask? Well, as it happens, I had been struggling to learn to play that very song on the guitar for about four months, (which I consider to be no small task) and now suddenly I would never be able play it with out appearing to be catering to her whims. Bugger it all.

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