This entry was posted by on Friday, 3 March, 2006 at

For number (2) in my last post, I considered putting in something about how I know from personal experience that you can not come to God on your own terms, but it just did not seem not seem to fit the flow of that passage.
It is, however, entirely true. I have been trying to find God on my own terms for going on three years now. I have never once gone to church with any intention of worshiping God… not even when I was on the, ahem, worship team. (That’s a christian euphemism for “the band”.) I only went to church to learn; and I have learned and learned but nothing has come of it.

It would be meaningless to call my own post “thought provoking,” for clearly I was thinking about this topic already. But I have been thinking about it a lot more since then, and I finally realized how I am like that rich young man. I know what my issue is; what it is that I can not give up, what I will not give up, what I do not think that I should have to give up…

I never heard Jesus say, “Follow me.” On the contrary, I thought that God was essentially telling me, “Whatever you do, don’t come this way.” But I was so intrigued by the idea that there would actually be a god telling me anything at all, and I was determined to go that way, whatever it took. Well, almost whatever. There is that one thing, that deep down I have really wanted all along, that was more important to me than God- that I actually thought I could get to through God…

There it is… my “great wealth.” So what now? Do I just go away sad?

For awhile now I have had the picture in my head, of me stumbling on my own, and every time I fall down, God is standing back with arms crossed asking, “Are you done yet?” But suddenly I shout, “No!” and jump back up and start off in my own direction again. And God just patiently says, “Well, okay…”

From that analogy, it seems clear that I just need to learn to stay down, and let God come help me up. I need to put my faith in God, abide in Christ, make Him the Lord of my life, and so on… But while that works in analogy, what does it really mean? What does ANY of that mean? If I decide to entirely trust God with my schoolwork, and therefore I stop going to class, stop doing homework, stop taking tests and finals, because God has it all under control… I just don’t think that that would work out. Clearly I need to do something. But every time I pick a new direction thinking that it is of God, I just fall flat on my face again and realize, “Nope, not God. That was just me again.”

I am tired of this.

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