More Than You Know

This entry was posted by on Sunday, 5 March, 2006 at

I went to a party tonight. It was an entertaining time, for most of it. As things were winding down and a lot of people had left, two people were engaged in a deep theological discussion off to themselves. I was somewhat participating in another activity with far less cosmic significance. Perhaps I don’t need to say, I was deeply envious of those other two. But it definately did not seem like the sort of conversation that was open to a third party stumbling in late. I went away sad.

Why can’t I ever get involved in deep theological disscusion? I mean seriously, what is it that is stopping me? I honestly do not know why I can’t; all I know is that it doesn’t happen. Back when I was going to a new church every week, one thing that I really desired was to have someone to go to lunch with afterwards and discuss the sermon. Now I go to lunch with a group nearly every week after church, but most weeks I think that I would be hard pressed to even recall the title of the sermon by the time we get to the restaurant. Where did it all go wrong?

Or perhaps a more pressing question, why do I have to get depressed over every single event of every day? Why can’t I ever be thankful, content, joyful, about anything? Ever? All I do is complain about the same crap over and over. Who’s fault is any of this but my own? Why don’t I just shut up and start taking some action? I am so sick of me.

I’m sorry about the attitude
I need to give when I’m with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
I’m so terrified of no one else but me
I’m here all the time
I won’t go away

Yeah, it’s me.
But I can’t get myself to go away
It’s me, but I can’t get myself to go away
Oh God, I shouldn’t feel this way
–Matchbox 20

On another level, I recognize that this has happened before, when God has said to me, “You know that thing that you want more than anything? Not only am I not going to give it to you, but I’m going to give it to someone else, right in front of you. Whatcha gonna do about that?”

I’ve been here before. I know how this ends. I just hope that I learned something last time.

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