This entry was posted by on Tuesday, 4 March, 2008 at

Regrets, I’ve had a few… but then again, too few to mention
— Frank Sinatra

A possible line in this song that I’ve been resuscitating is “Past mistakes – I’ve already beat them.” What a peculiar phrase, and how spectacularly untrue.

I was informed last week that some of the staff where I work has been complaining that I don’t know what I’m doing. That saddened me. Worse is that there is the possibility of a full-time position opening up. Of course, I had only planned to be there temporarily until I figure some other things out, but I have to admit, the advantages of a full time job were starting to look attractive. Now… maybe not so much. Perhaps that’s for the best because I would naturally have to interview, where I could either flat out lie or:

– How would you describe your faith?
God and I aren’t on speaking terms right now.
– Then why do you want to work in full time ministry?
Because it’s there.

A cynic might ask, of all my failures why dwell on this particular one? Interpersonal relationships, for example, have been not so good across the board. There were some emails going about last week regarding someone who had had a death in the family. Though I know it’s bad, I could not quite bring myself to care. People die all the time; I have pictures of dead people all over my living space. What do you want from me?

And I think about people who used to be so close, recently or otherwise, who now are all but strangers, the mention of whose name merely brings a slight confusion as if trying to recall a long forgotten dream. Maybe I shouldn’t have said what I did. Maybe I should have said more when I had the chance. Maybe it’s not too late… And maybe it is. Have I ever had more than superficial friends? Sure I have. Have I ever been more than a superficial friend? Perhaps not.

There was this girl… and that’s actually not even important right now except that, damned if her parents don’t ask the most poignant questions! I remember very shortly after graduating, upon hearing that I had completed a degree in electrical engineering, her father asked point blank if it was a field I was interested in pursuing. I was stunned, because no one had thought to ask me that before and the answer was “no.” Yesterday, I ran into her mother at church, and after I told her where I was working these days, her first question is, “Do you find that people aren’t very Christian in that environment?” I responded that, yes, I discovered that rather quickly, then did my best to get away and avoid any more specific follow up questions. These people don’t waste any time on social mores, do they?

So yeah, I went to church this week. In case you’re wondering, I literally only went because I needed to retrieve my cell phone from someone at whose apartment I had accidentally left it. Of course, I had not been to a church service in months. I had not been to a service in the main sanctuary for something like a year. So naturally, for me to just turn up on a random Sunday… BANG… SonLight! I wanted to shoot somebody.

2 Responses to “Dwelling”

  1. Anonymous

    BANG indeed. I feel the same way!…so still I press on knowing that God works everything for good for those who love him and are called to His purpose…it is hard to know what He is doing when you don’t lend an ear to hear, or even worse, shout at the top of your lungs with nothing to say at a God who you claim to feel doesn’t exist.

  2. simpli mama

    Hey Tim!!! Jacob’s little sister joined our family March 1st!!! (you can see a pic on my blog) I started writing again..

    She’s gorgeous!

    I miss you!!


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