Now (Part I)

This entry was posted by on Thursday, 1 December, 2005 at

When I was a child, the general consensus seemed to be that if you heard voices in your head, then you were crazy. A bit later in life, I would hear jokes like, “It’s ok if voices talk to you, just as long as you don’t talk back.” These days, it is perfectly acceptable to talk about the “inner monologue.”

I heard voices in my head. I talked back. At one point, I even gave them names. Now that may be pushing the boundaries a bit. I had a solitary, mindless sort of job. I spent more time talking with the voices in my head than I did with real people. Even that might not be so bad, but sometimes I would get confused as to which of these characters was the one that was supposed to interact with the outside world. I might occasionally suggest to people that I was made of straw, and could feel no pain…

Fortunately, I eventually came to my senses and realized that that was not a healthy way to live. My point in mentioning all this is that I do not trust the voices in my head.

Christians talk to God. It’s just what they do. Even a lot of non-Christians talk to God from time to time. Sometimes people will claim that God talks to them. Of this, people are skeptical. I was skeptical. I am skeptical. I’m a Christian, but God doesn’t speak to me.
There was this one time, almost two years ago now, when I thought maybe He was. But as I said, I am skeptical. I don’t trust the voices in my head. So I asked for proof, Bible verses to look up. Three came to me, the second of which was John 6:20, which says, in bold red letters, “It is I; don’t be afraid.” WOW. Ok, well, that would have been pretty convincing… unfortunately the first verse was Genesis 13:39, which doesn’t exist. The third came something like, “Sorry, I meant Genesis 13:~~” I don’t remember the number now, but it also didn’t exist. Sorry God, but I think You could do better.

I have been searching, seeking, stumbling for years now. I forever feel like there is something here, but I just can’t grasp it. I remember at some point last year, it came to me that if I really, really knew the truth, that would mean that I would have to do something, and I wasn’t ready to do something. I was afraid to really ask, to really look, because I was afraid of what the consequences would mean. And so I stayed in the dark.

Fast forward. A couple weeks ago, I was tired. I’ve been tired a lot lately. On this particular day I stood out on my balcony and asked, “How long Lord? Am I ready YET?”
“Not yet,” came an answer in my head, “But soon.” Which is a nice thought, but I do remain skeptical of those voices in my head.

In church last Sunday, the sermon was about people who talk the talk and act the act, but do not truly know Jesus. I did not feel that it was directed straight toward me, as people sometimes say, but it was certainly about me. I do not know Jesus. I have “talked” to him on exactly one occasion, when I was directed what to say to invite him into my life. I do talk to God, though, everyday. Several times somedays. Some might say that that’s the same thing, of course, talking to God or talking to Jesus. I wouldn’t. It matters little though. Somedays, I feel like God is just thinking, “Oh… it’s you again.” The other days I feel like I’m just stringing empty words together, like the hypocrites do.

Also in that sermon was the idea that God won’t let anyone who is truly saved ever walk away. I didn’t have this exact thought fully formed in my head, but my whole attitude as I left church that day was, “I bet He’ll let me walk away, watch.” WATCH.

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