This entry was posted by on Friday, 24 November, 2006 at

In my last post, I intended to write about two consecutive Sundays, but it got so long I stopped at one. Now several Sundays have come and gone, all of them noteworthy in different ways. But I have another burden right now. I am really bad at communicating. Really, really bad. Really. There was a time when that did not bother me so much. I was content with my antisocialness. The thing is, I actually feel like I have gotten better, which makes it scary to think about what I was like before. But better does not equal good. I still have a long long way to go, and I have not been trying very hard lately. For a long time I have had a sort of “wait and see” attitude in several areas of my life. Well, I’ve waited a long time. I am tired of waiting. I wrote a song about it, in April. What have I been doing since then? Waiting. I can look back now and see that the real source of my pain was a lack of communication skills.

Some people consider me intelligent. Maybe I am in some ways. Perhaps I do catch on quickly to certain mathematical and technical things. But in social situations, I am a pathetically slow learner. It takes me a long time to evaluate situations and decide on the appropriate behavior. By a long time, I mean much longer than the situation itself usually lasts. Days longer. Months longer. Looking backward, I can see thousands of missed opportunities. But I can not see any that are right in front of me. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow I will see what today might have held. Maybe if I was able to vocalize what was really going on, I would not have had to wait so long.

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