Archive for July, 2007


Posted by on Friday, 27 July, 2007

A couple of years back I felt very disconnected. I had a blog. Some people read it. I imagine that they associated it with a certain person that they occasionally saw and interacted with. That person, however, would rarely admit to even having a blog, and when questioned directly on a specific post, I think you would find that he had no more information than you did, as if he had merely read what was written himself… or in some cases, had not even done that. That person was a fake.

I remember an incident back then, when someone who had moved away was back visiting the church. He asked how I was and I gave whatever answer one gives in such circumstances. But he persisted. “You’re not ok, are you? Something’s really wrong… it’s like… your dead inside.”

I was shocked. You can see me! The REAL me! Fortunately, this fellow also has a rather short attention span and was quickly distracted by someone else whom he had not seen in awhile.

The point of my last post was that I really have no idea who I am anymore. I complain of superficial friendships, but it is not them… it is me. I do not even see a person in the mirror anymore, all I see is that beard. What happened to me? I used to have depth. I was a boxing black hole of depth.

Awhile back, we were playing a game called “Loaded Questions”, where one person will read a question and everyone else writes down an answer, then the first person has to determine who said what. One of the questions was something like, “Who do you think is dishonest?” There was no stipulation that it had to be someone in the room, yet three people still wrote down “Tim” … including myself.

This week, I confronted myself about the fact that recently, whenever I am around a certain individual, I calculate my behavior to create an impression that is not, in fact, true. Overlooking for the moment that this practice is despicable, I do not understand the point of this game. I can not see what I have to gain here even if successful.


Out of Water

Posted by on Friday, 20 July, 2007

Last month:
“Can we sing As the Deer?” she asked, “I LOVE that song!”
I was almost nauseous as I felt the bottom drop out of a project on which I had been working for several weeks… again. Screw these people. They’re not your friends. I acted like I was going to the bathroom, then slid out the side door, walked all the way around the building to my car and left. Would anyone have really cared if I had gone straight out the front?

Two weeks ago:
Whilst I kept busy with my favorite, though utterly pointless, hiking games, “Guess which U.S. President…?” and “Does he have a beard?”, I was constantly catching little bits of deeper conversations about theology, relationships, mentors… all of the things I wish I had myself but don’t know how to get.

Last week:
I stopped in my kitchen at a picture I pass everyday. I picked it up and stared quizzically for some moments at… myself… with shoulder length hair. That can’t be right?

And on:
So, I’m now the drummer for my church group. The drummer. By request no less. I drum even worse than I play guitar. As a matter of fact, I once was determined to play “live” drums on one of my songs, but my rhythm was so off that I eventually just recorded the drum track twice in the hopes that the mistakes would average out.

A Season of ???

Posted by on Saturday, 14 July, 2007

Well, you’ve obviously found the new website. You may have noticed that I have not yet pulled the plug on the old one, but it won’t update anymore.

Anyway, awhile ago I went through a season of turmoil, then a season of reflection, and now I’ve moved firmly into a season of… what? I had been playing an awful lot of “Bang!” Lately, I’ve been doing an awful lot of homework. I’ve done several hours of homework on 14 of the past 15 days, including Friday’s, Saturday’s and one national holiday. That’s not like me at all.

So I stay busy. I can’t find the time to return phone calls or emails, but I still manage to go out. Though honestly, I can’t recall the last time I went anywhere or did anything with a group of less than five people. I don’t know when I started going for quantity of relationships over depth. Somehow I’ve managed to trade a reclusive antisocialism for a public one. Hiding in full view of everyone.

This too shall pass.