The Blind Leading the Blind

This entry was posted by on Friday, 17 June, 2005 at

I am the most ignorant of men;
I do not have a man’s understanding.
I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.
Who has gone up to Heaven and come down?
Who has gathered up the wind in the hollow of his hands?
Who has wrapped up the waters in his cloak?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and the name of his son?
Tell me if you know!
–Prov 30:2-4

There is a song that I often hear on Christian radio with the line, “Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.” I hate that song. First of all, the style of it does nothing for me, but hey, you can’t win them all. The real issue is that every time I hear it, I just can’t help thinking, “For God’s sake man! We’d all listen to the truth if we bloody knew which voice it was!”

I began composing this post in my head one night over a month ago, as I lay in bed. I had come to a point where I simply no longer felt like I had any particularly compelling reason to pretend that I was a mature Christian. I have constantly imagined my friends and family watching me, wondering how long I was going to keep up this “Christian” thing. “He’s a smart guy… surely he’ll come to his senses?” I had to show them, with my web page, with my life, I had to prove something… and there can be trouble when I set out to prove something.

I think I have a reasonably decent understanding of Christianity, for the time I’ve spent on it. I can tell you the gist of what the Bible says, more or less. I can tell you what Christians believe. Do I believe it? Eh, who knows?

Like I said, I was tired of pretending. Who am I kidding, to think anyone actually comes to this page looking for truth anyway? So, I was ready to throw in the towel. I keep hearing that you have to be broken before God can use you. I always felt it took a far bolder person than I to pray for that. But I was tired of this crap. If I needed to be broken, so be it. Let’s get this over with.

I was awoken early the next morning by a phone call, and the day after, I was on a plane to Geneva. I really don’t know what I believe anymore, but there is not an atheist in the world who can convince me that there ain’t something going on here that isn’t explained in any physics book.

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