This entry was posted by on Tuesday, 22 May, 2007 at

Some things are too broken to ever be fixed. Sometimes this is expensive: a car that would cost more to repair than its worth; a project or a plan so flawed that it’s better to abandon. Sometimes the price is of a different kind: as in a relationship, a family, a life.

Mother was so strong. She would schedule her treatments around her transatlantic trips, because this thing wasn’t going to keep her down. But eventually it was all too much. I never thought that it would end like that. Breast cancer is a horrible thing, it’s an evil thing, but there are treatments and surgery, and then it’s all over and you’re fine again. I know several survivors. I never actually believed it was fatal. So I did not understand when I got that phone call.
“Mom is in the hospital. We would like you to come [to Geneva].”
“Ok, I’ve just got four weeks of school left.”
“No, you need to come now.”

They weren’t strictly out of options. But further treatment would be very harsh and the chance of success was not great. And she had had enough. Sometimes things are too broken to ever be fixed.

Some say that everyone dies alone. If there’s anyone of whom that isn’t true, it was my mother. That was two years ago. As for the rest of us…

My grandfather, who always said he would live to 100, died at 86, ten years after a stroke left him but a pale shadow of the man he was. Too broken to ever be fixed. My grandmother, who never gave up for all those years, left so frail and so lost without anything to do.

My family is broken; scattered all over the world. Too broken to ever be fixed. So I foolishly long for the day when I will have a new family of my own, a close family. But I fear that after this life, I am utterly incapable of forming and maintaining any such bonds. Too broken to ever be fixed.

i wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts
i can not repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right here

what have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end

and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find away

-hurt (johnny cash version)

All that I’ve really been looking for this whole time is someone who will not leave. They say God is always there no matter what. Whatever else I say or do or get distracted by, deep down that is what I came looking for, and that is what drives me on. If only…

this is the LAST NIGHT you’ll spend alone!
look me in the eyes so I KNOW YOU KNOW!

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