My Subconsciousness Says The Darndest Things

This entry was posted by on Tuesday, 20 May, 2008 at

I don’t really have an internal monologue. Internal dialog, maybe. Internal berating is more like it.

I was driving to work last week- I admit that it was early and I was not fully awake yet- but I was reflecting on the idea that life is the sum of your experiences and whether or not you would change any of them. It is an idea that has come up more than once recently in conversation and sermons and so forth. And my thought was, “Well, right off the top of my head, I can’t think of anything good that came from my mom killing herself.”
Woah! Hey, WOAH! Your mother died of CANCER, remember?
Oh, right. Well, that sucks too.

I do not know if any of my loyal readers would remember this but I seem to recall that awhile back I changed the name of my blog for like a day, or maybe a week or something. I do not even remember what the new name was. I had just reached a point where the title did not seem true anymore so I came up with a different one, but then when I got those emails about “New Comment On: [whatever that title was],” it made me sad so I changed it back. (I don’t blog to make me sad.) Well, I changed it mostly back. I digress. The point is, I was sitting at work listening to another dude talk about the things they talk about at my work, and I started thinking that perhaps it was time to consider a new name again. Heck, when I get around to writing anything, half the time its about music anyway. And then, completely uninvited, came the thought:
You’re closer to God than you ever have been.
Huh. You know, I don’t really see how that would be true.
Because at least now you’re being honest.
What? Who’s honest? Are we talking about the same me here?

Then there was that cryptic and slightly condescending: You didn’t tell her. Man, I didn’t tell who what? You can “honestly” kiss my…

Malfunctioning and making s[tuff] up, I tell you.

OUR mother.

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