Resolutions
I noticed something about my last post. I did not say anything at the time, because I was trying to create a certain mood… but I am fully aware that I wrote four whole paragraphs that contained no actual information.
My New Year’s Resolution in 2008 was simply: No more lies, no more pretending. I do not like to think of myself as a liar, but I’ve long been aware that the amount of things that I just “don’t bother” to mention quite often qualifies as a willful deception. Often I will be aware that someone has a wrong perception of me and I make no effort to correct that. In many cases, it’s because I honestly do not care what that particular person thinks about me in that particular matter and it is just easier to let them believe whatever they believe. But then there are the times when I say things that intentionally contribute to people’s misperception about me. That is much harder to explain. I pride myself on always trying to say factually accurate statements in such cases and therefore I am never outright lying… but who am I kidding really. I heard somewhere that you should always tell the truth because there’s less to remember that way. I realized that the other way to go is to tell 100% consistent lies. I think that is what I was really trying to say in my last post, that I do not *have* to remember what I’ve denied and to whom because I have been 100% consistent in my denial. You do not know me. I do not even know me.
Like I said, in 2008 I wanted to stop lying and stop pretending. And I did for a little while… but then I started leaving the house and interacting with people again. Ahem. Actually, by the end of 2007 I had become so tired of just about everything that I spent the entire calendar year of 2008 avoiding reality and simply doing whatever I felt like at any given moment. It seems that that resolution was a miserable failure.
By 2009, I was astounded to realize that I had been getting away with it for so long. Furthermore, I realized that without some change I might keep going indefinitely. So my resolution this year was again simple: to start caring again.
So what has happened so far this year? First, the child who carried my name passed away at 17 months old. A month earlier I had received a Christmas card from the family and my first thought was, “Awwww, he has my eyes!” Of course I had to quickly remind myself, What the Hell are you talking about? It’s a black and white photo, and you do realize that he isn’t actually your son! The card also thanked me for supporting and loving their family this year. That stung a bit, because I really was not sure that I HAD loved and supported their family this year. Not only was he not my son… I barely knew him. I’d like to point out that I know nothing about babies, but when he was older I certainly would have been more involved… maybe apprenticed him in the family woodworking business and all that. Of course I knew that he had health issues and was generally aware that he was not expected to live a normal life-span… but I never actually asked the specific questions and did not appreciate how little time he had. I will regret that until my dying day.
Shortly thereafter, a U.S. Airways flight made a water landing. Which is not particularly relevant unless you know that I have nothing but problems whenever I fly, and for my Christmas travels I was trying to think of what problem I hadn’t had yet and somehow settled on “water landing.” Now according to one website I read, there have only been 11 water landings in the history of aviation, so the fact that I had become obsessed mere weeks before one is really quite an impressive coincidence. Not to mention that I was also on a U.S. Airways flight. I find that very unsettling.
A couple of weeks ago, my manager was laid off at work, and my department was merged with another one. Even before that I had long questioned whether or not I belong at that job. The manager was a good friend of mine, and one of the main reasons I took that job at all was because he asked me too. I know the economy is in trouble and a lot of people are losing their jobs, but the circumstances surrounding his dismissal were rather shady, and I really do not want to work at a place that touts having an “umbrella of grace” but treats their employees that way. The next week this same friend decided to quit the band that, once again, I had joined because he had asked me to.
So, with all that going on, the question remains: have I started caring yet? I’m still not sure. I had fully intended to give my two weeks notice at work this weekend… but circumstances conspired such that I was just too busy to sit down and type it out. Curiously, I have listened to an awful lot of speakers at my job over the last year, but today was the first time in a great long while that I actually heard. I do not even remember exactly what he said. To be honest, until this morning, I did not like this group. I did not like this speaker. But somehow through his words today it became clear just how much everything is falling apart around me. I am not going to be safe in my private little world for much longer. I have been doing things very, very wrong and I do not have much time left. Not much time at all.