Burn
I was working at a Women’s conference a couple of weekends ago, when at some point I happened to think that the speaker sure was talking about God an awful lot. Of course, given where I work, how is that unusual? Perhaps she was describing God in a more immediate and intimate way than most speakers. Or maybe I was just paying more attention than usual. Regardless, I immediately began to question how I had the [audacity] to work there when I really do not believe any of this.
Later, as she was giving her story, I could not help but wonder how many of the elders/prominent members of my church sexually abuse their daughters, and that perhaps my issues are not so bad after all. But of course nothing like that could happen at my church… Anyway, the speculative sins of unidentified other people are not my problem. Something else she said caused me to become a bit perturbed. “Oh yeah? Well in my experience, God doesn’t heal people and He doesn’t heal relationships, so what is the point?” And that, on the other hand, is my problem.
That evening, at 8:30, it seemed like things were getting ready to wind down and I was excited about finishing early. But the speaker continued to talk for much longer than most, and then transitioned to a time of prayer and (being a women’s group) crying while the band played. “Oh no, not again!” I thought, for the last time that happened, the band continued to play for a good two and half hours after the main session. It then occurred to me, you honestly do not care about the spiritual well being of a single person in this room, you just want to go home! As i said in the beginning, how dare I have this job.
You really don’t care about anyone but yourself, do you? You know, upon reflection, I am not sure that that is a fair statement. You really don’t care about anyone do you? Perhaps not.
Garrett showed me your blog and music – I really like it. Many people are afraid to be so honest with themselves and with others.