Stumbling Toward God?

Awhile ago someone asked me if I still lived at home. In my usual cryptic manner I replied, “that depends on what you mean by ‘still,’ and depends on what you mean by ‘home’.” Then I thought better of it and quickly changed my answer either to yes or to no, though I don’t recall which.

My grandparents owned a house, and when they moved, my parents bought it from them. I needed a place to stay when my prior living arrangements came apart. So, yes, I was living in my parent’s house, but it was neither the house I grew up in, nor did they actually live there themselves.

Anyway, I don’t live there anymore. Now I’m renting a room in another city, near where I’m going to school. Last weekend I went back home to go to church and visit friends, and as I was walking in the front door it hit me, “This isn’t ‘home’.” When I first moved in, I had only intended to stay there until I found another place to live. I actually ended up staying there for about 16 months, which I think is longer than I stayed in the three previous places put together, but I was never really comfortable with it. The furnishings are an eerie medley of my parents’ and grandparents’ things. When I lived there, I slept in the guest bedroom and tried not to touch anything. When I went back this weekend, I slept on the couch.

Last week, I was idly wandering around campus on my first day of school and it occurred to me that here I was at a new big exciting university and I didn’t even care. I have just been sort of on autopilot: Get parking pass. Find classes. Buy books. Someone recently commented on my typical lack of enthusiasm and I replied with some sarcastic comment about “my cold, dead heart.” I was not entirely joking. How did I get so numb? Wasn’t I supposed to get a new heart? When exactly does that happen?

Something happened today. Happened so fast I might have imagined it. But in that instant, my heart HURT. “Felt that one didn’t ya? Heart not so hard after all, huh?” Then it was all over. And I said to myself, “I would like to go home now.”

Maybe it really was just a dream. Yet I was left wondering for the rest of the day, “What does this mean God? How does this fit with everything else that’s been happening?” And maybe, just maybe, this could be the best thing that could possibly happen. Maybe this is exactly what I prayed for.

I rarely update this site. This could be largely because nobody reads it. In fact, I am fairly certain that every single hit since I changed the format was just me checking to see that things looked how I expected. Of course, I have blatantly refused to give out the address on more than one occasion. That is simply because, well, the site is not very interesting yet, and I rarely update it. So ultimately I am only talking to myself, and I can do that just fine without having to type it out, so I rarely update this site. What a vicious cycle.

God, You must have brought me here for a reason, and whatever it is, i’m just not gettting it.

For those following along at home, (all none of you) I mean “here” in the spiritual sense, not “here” Cal Poly Pomona, although that might be worth addressing. Perhaps the two are related. Perhaps not.

I have been engaging in something i know that i should not be, and a brother called me on it, as a good christian brother should. Still, he only knows half the story…

“Love is drowning/ in a deep well/ All these secrets/ and no one to tell”– U2 “Love is Blindness”

The list of things I wanted to get done this summer was not especially long. It was however, far longer than the list of things that I ACTUALLY accomplished. I like to blame this lack of productivity on homestarrunner.com, and, to a lesser extent, Planetarium and the iTunes music store. Don’t go there if you know what’s good for you.

Anyway, a couple of years ago I noticed that every three months everything in my life would change, from where I was living and who with, to my primary occupation and even my friends. This annoyed me greatly.

It has tempered down some, but it’s still happening. I have had the same “job” for almost three years. I went to the same school for two years. I have been living in the same place and going to the same church for over a year. However, a lot of the people that go to my church group, particularly the ones that go to all the “extracurricular” events, weren’t there three or six months ago, and a lot of the regulars who were there when I started don’t come around much anymore. I had a roommate for three months, and then not for about four, and then I had two for about three months, but they are gone again now…

Anyway, it’s all about to change again. I finished at the community college I was attending- about three months ago- and soon I’ll be starting at a new one, and I will be moving to live closer to it. It remains to be seen whether or not I keep my current job. I am still going to MY church though, ’cause I’m sick of this three months business.

Speaking of which, my church had their annual retreat picnic yesterday. I was baptized at the one last year. That story is around here somewhere, but I’m sure I would find it embarrassing if I read it again, so I’ll just let someone else find it and tell me about it. Did anyone really think I would still be doing this a year later? Well, I suppose Someone did…