Stumbling Toward God?

I have spent what I think is an unhealthy amount of time this week thinking about the past. For some reason, I remember it always being sunny at RCC. (Well, there was that one time, of course.) But I know that it couldn’t possibly have been sunny ALL the time. I’m sure that my mind is lying to me. That can’t be healthy either.

It’s never sunny here at Cal Poly. Even when the weather is warm and bright, it’s just never “sunny.” Why do you think that is?

When dwelling on old times, it’s certainly not helpful to look at the iTunes Essentials list of 90’s one hit wonders. But you know you want to, dontcha? Can’t be held responsible. She was touchin’ her face. I won’t be held responsible. She fell in love in the first place. For the life of me, I can not remember, what made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise. For the life of me, I can not believe we’d ever die for these sins, we were merely FRESHMAN!

No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to one, and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.

–Luke 16:13 [~Matt 6:24]

Yesterday when I woke up, my landlord was watching the news coverage of “The Pomp and Pageantry of the Presidential Inauguration.” They were saying that the whole she-bang would cost $40 million, NOT including security, which apparently was billed separately to the City of Washington D.C.

Let’s be honest, I have about $12 in my wallet right now. I don’t have the faintest concept of $40 million. I DO know that the initial U.S. tsunami aid commitment was $35 million. That’s less. So it’s a pity all those people are dead and dying over there, but we need to have a party to celebrate the fact that NOTHING IS DIFFERENT. Whether you voted for Bush or not is a whole other topic. The simple fact is, he was president yesterday (or the day before), and he’s still the president today. I think at the end of the year, I’m going to spend several grand on a party to celebrate the fact that next year, I will STILL be in college.

Lately, the more I think about capitalism, the more I despise it.

This weekend I was ill. First of all, my sincerest apologies to any of the bowling party who finds themselves incapacitatingly sick this week. At one point, I was lying on my bathroom floor, not because I felt like I might vomit, but merely because I lacked any capacity to move myself to a more convenient location. I thought to myself, “What if die here? Wouldn’t that just suck?” It would probably be a good three or four days before anyone even noticed I was missing. Could be a week before anyone made any serious effort to find me. Sad that. Yet, whenever I am ill, I am always confident that I will get better. There are a lot of people who do not have that luxury. Sadder that.

Yesterday I realized that I had not been tired or hungry for days. I do sleep, and I do eat, but only because these seem like things I should be doing. I am reminded of The Sixth Sense. “Walking around like regular people. They only see what they want to see. They don’t know that they’re dead.” So what if I did die? I still seem perfectly capable of such worldly activities as operating a motor vehicle and logging on to the internet. Going to school would be a waste of time I imagine. In particular, last night I spent almost six hours on what I propose to be the single most difficult assignment ever in a lower-division math course. Sort of like doing POV-Ray by hand. I must say, I was expecting more.

Yesterday, I was six minutes late to my biology class. After class, I told the instructor that I had been late and asked if there had been any handouts. He looked right at me, very bluntly said, “No,” and went about what he had been doing. Well, I’m pretty sure that he was lying. If I couldn’t be bothered to show up on time, then I just didn’t deserve them. I was profoundly disturbed by this exchange for the rest of the day. Obviously he was on some kind of power trip, but really, it was my fault. If I had actually been there on time like I was supposed to be, there never would have been an issue. I didn’t even apologize for being late, or attempt to offer any excuse, I merely stated the fact that I had been late, as if it was was perfectly acceptable to come in at any time and be entitled to everything that the other students were getting. What arrogance. Yet here I am, incensed that he did not have the common decency to overlook my disrespectfulness, and just do what he is paid for.

After that I went to the first meeting of the Round Earth Society, a brand new club for Atheists and Agnostics. This was not nearly as interesting as I had hoped. Being the first meeting, they basically just stated what they plan to do in the future and why they felt the need for unity and such. Then they started going around the room letting people introduce themselves with name, major, and their world view, (i.e. “atheist”, “agnostic”, “free-thinker”, “naturalist”, etc.) and why. What should I say, “I became a born-again Christian a year and half ago because I realized that agnosticism is bullshit”? A crude interpretation, but accurate enough as far as it goes. However, there was only enough time to get halfway around the room with introductions. Perhaps this was fortunate for me, perhaps not. At least there was free pizza.

At the end of each year radio stations like to have a countdown of the best songs of that year. Since obviously no one knows more about music than I*, I traditionally like to choose my own best song of the year. Of course, I have been out of the popular music loop for awhile, so I realized that I could only offer the best Christian rock song of 2004. Which I decided was… huh. Well there was… hmm.

I rather liked “Blessed Be Your Name” by Tree63, but it was played so often on the radio that I began to change the station every time I heard it. “Never Alone” by Barlow Girl was quite catchy but I don’t know that it deserves “Best Song of the Year.” Incidentally, my favorite Christian radio station named these as songs 1 and 2 of 2004, which somewhat defeats the purpose of my exercise.

So I’m faced with the idea that I’ve been listening to Christian music for a year and a half and I’m not even sure I like it. I miss Radiohead. So hell wit it… I’m listening to “I Might Be Wrong Live Recordings” right now (for you who wanted to know, and you know who you are.)

Back to the narrative, it occurred to me, “How about something off the new U2 album?” Umm… no. The Postal Service’s “Such Great Heights” is nice, but my sources indicate it to be 2002 vintage. There’s an obscure little band called Cool Hand Luke with the intriguing number, “Cinematic,” which I almost choose, but no, on careful reflection I’m going with “Vindicated” by Dashboard Confessional. They just don’t write ’em like that anymore…

*I actually had to search online to figure out if “I,” “me,” or “myself” was correct here. There was a long description involving “who/whom” and “predicate nominative,” which, being a product of public education, I naturally didn’t understand. I was all ready to go with “me,” because it seemed like it was the indirect object of the sentence, but then I found another site that spoke more to my specific situation, and it stated that it really hinges on whether “than” is considered a conjunction or a preposition, which grammarians are apparently arguing over even as we speak. So I’m going with “I,” even against the advice of an English major friend, because I think it sounds better, and it’s really a lot of concern for a statement that wasn’t all that funny to begin with. So if anyone knows for sure, I would love to hear it. “Yes, but what about all of the other grammatical mistakes,” you ask? Well… I don’t care about thems.

There are many things I have been thinking about lately. Things that might provoke people even. But I have not the time to properly develop any of these ideas right now.

I also started a new blog today. No, you can’t read it… not yet. This one is for me, for a specific purpose, kept private to keep me honest.