Stumbling Toward God?

Went camping at Joshua Tree this weekend. I had expressed concern beforehand that it was still going to be wicked cold at night, but was assured that would not be the case. And… it snowed.

I could not help but note that I have now been to Joshua Tree with all of my ex-girlfriends. I’m not saying that I went with girls I was dating at the time; I mean that I went there with a group of people that for one reason or another contained someone who I had previously but was no longer dating. Three times. Now how does that happen?

That could go in a lot of directions. But, speaking of the Joshua Tree, I saw U2 3D last week. It was amazing. It was almost like being at a concert without paying $90 to sit in the !@#$% rafters. Of course, my experience was dramatically enhanced by the fact that I saw it with someone who not only is a bigger U2 fan than I (because quite frankly they’ve lost me on the last couple of albums), but is a bigger U2 fan than I ever was. Now that is saying something.

Sometime ago I saw a video of U2 performing “Love and Peace or Else” in which Larry looked so cool that I was inspired to be a drummer. A goal which provided an interesting diversion for a time, but was never fully realized. A month or so ago, for reasons which still elude me, I was invited to play keyboard for the staff worship service at work. For the past several years I’ve had some interesting results playing with musical toys and pushing buttons on my computer. And of course we’ve already established that I can’t sing my way out of a paper bag… but seeing this movie made me stop to wonder, “Does anyone remember when I used to play guitar?”

Regrets, I’ve had a few… but then again, too few to mention
— Frank Sinatra

A possible line in this song that I’ve been resuscitating is “Past mistakes – I’ve already beat them.” What a peculiar phrase, and how spectacularly untrue.

I was informed last week that some of the staff where I work has been complaining that I don’t know what I’m doing. That saddened me. Worse is that there is the possibility of a full-time position opening up. Of course, I had only planned to be there temporarily until I figure some other things out, but I have to admit, the advantages of a full time job were starting to look attractive. Now… maybe not so much. Perhaps that’s for the best because I would naturally have to interview, where I could either flat out lie or:

– How would you describe your faith?
God and I aren’t on speaking terms right now.
– Then why do you want to work in full time ministry?
Because it’s there.

A cynic might ask, of all my failures why dwell on this particular one? Interpersonal relationships, for example, have been not so good across the board. There were some emails going about last week regarding someone who had had a death in the family. Though I know it’s bad, I could not quite bring myself to care. People die all the time; I have pictures of dead people all over my living space. What do you want from me?

And I think about people who used to be so close, recently or otherwise, who now are all but strangers, the mention of whose name merely brings a slight confusion as if trying to recall a long forgotten dream. Maybe I shouldn’t have said what I did. Maybe I should have said more when I had the chance. Maybe it’s not too late… And maybe it is. Have I ever had more than superficial friends? Sure I have. Have I ever been more than a superficial friend? Perhaps not.

There was this girl… and that’s actually not even important right now except that, damned if her parents don’t ask the most poignant questions! I remember very shortly after graduating, upon hearing that I had completed a degree in electrical engineering, her father asked point blank if it was a field I was interested in pursuing. I was stunned, because no one had thought to ask me that before and the answer was “no.” Yesterday, I ran into her mother at church, and after I told her where I was working these days, her first question is, “Do you find that people aren’t very Christian in that environment?” I responded that, yes, I discovered that rather quickly, then did my best to get away and avoid any more specific follow up questions. These people don’t waste any time on social mores, do they?

So yeah, I went to church this week. In case you’re wondering, I literally only went because I needed to retrieve my cell phone from someone at whose apartment I had accidentally left it. Of course, I had not been to a church service in months. I had not been to a service in the main sanctuary for something like a year. So naturally, for me to just turn up on a random Sunday… BANG… SonLight! I wanted to shoot somebody.