Stumbling Toward God?

Awhile ago someone asked me if I still lived at home. In my usual cryptic manner I replied, “that depends on what you mean by ‘still,’ and depends on what you mean by ‘home’.” Then I thought better of it and quickly changed my answer either to yes or to no, though I don’t recall which.

My grandparents owned a house, and when they moved, my parents bought it from them. I needed a place to stay when my prior living arrangements came apart. So, yes, I was living in my parent’s house, but it was neither the house I grew up in, nor did they actually live there themselves.

Anyway, I don’t live there anymore. Now I’m renting a room in another city, near where I’m going to school. Last weekend I went back home to go to church and visit friends, and as I was walking in the front door it hit me, “This isn’t ‘home’.” When I first moved in, I had only intended to stay there until I found another place to live. I actually ended up staying there for about 16 months, which I think is longer than I stayed in the three previous places put together, but I was never really comfortable with it. The furnishings are an eerie medley of my parents’ and grandparents’ things. When I lived there, I slept in the guest bedroom and tried not to touch anything. When I went back this weekend, I slept on the couch.

Last week, I was idly wandering around campus on my first day of school and it occurred to me that here I was at a new big exciting university and I didn’t even care. I have just been sort of on autopilot: Get parking pass. Find classes. Buy books. Someone recently commented on my typical lack of enthusiasm and I replied with some sarcastic comment about “my cold, dead heart.” I was not entirely joking. How did I get so numb? Wasn’t I supposed to get a new heart? When exactly does that happen?

Something happened today. Happened so fast I might have imagined it. But in that instant, my heart HURT. “Felt that one didn’t ya? Heart not so hard after all, huh?” Then it was all over. And I said to myself, “I would like to go home now.”

Maybe it really was just a dream. Yet I was left wondering for the rest of the day, “What does this mean God? How does this fit with everything else that’s been happening?” And maybe, just maybe, this could be the best thing that could possibly happen. Maybe this is exactly what I prayed for.

I rarely update this site. This could be largely because nobody reads it. In fact, I am fairly certain that every single hit since I changed the format was just me checking to see that things looked how I expected. Of course, I have blatantly refused to give out the address on more than one occasion. That is simply because, well, the site is not very interesting yet, and I rarely update it. So ultimately I am only talking to myself, and I can do that just fine without having to type it out, so I rarely update this site. What a vicious cycle.

God, You must have brought me here for a reason, and whatever it is, i’m just not gettting it.

For those following along at home, (all none of you) I mean “here” in the spiritual sense, not “here” Cal Poly Pomona, although that might be worth addressing. Perhaps the two are related. Perhaps not.

I have been engaging in something i know that i should not be, and a brother called me on it, as a good christian brother should. Still, he only knows half the story…

“Love is drowning/ in a deep well/ All these secrets/ and no one to tell”– U2 “Love is Blindness”

The list of things I wanted to get done this summer was not especially long. It was however, far longer than the list of things that I ACTUALLY accomplished. I like to blame this lack of productivity on homestarrunner.com, and, to a lesser extent, Planetarium and the iTunes music store. Don’t go there if you know what’s good for you.

Anyway, a couple of years ago I noticed that every three months everything in my life would change, from where I was living and who with, to my primary occupation and even my friends. This annoyed me greatly.

It has tempered down some, but it’s still happening. I have had the same “job” for almost three years. I went to the same school for two years. I have been living in the same place and going to the same church for over a year. However, a lot of the people that go to my church group, particularly the ones that go to all the “extracurricular” events, weren’t there three or six months ago, and a lot of the regulars who were there when I started don’t come around much anymore. I had a roommate for three months, and then not for about four, and then I had two for about three months, but they are gone again now…

Anyway, it’s all about to change again. I finished at the community college I was attending- about three months ago- and soon I’ll be starting at a new one, and I will be moving to live closer to it. It remains to be seen whether or not I keep my current job. I am still going to MY church though, ’cause I’m sick of this three months business.

Speaking of which, my church had their annual retreat picnic yesterday. I was baptized at the one last year. That story is around here somewhere, but I’m sure I would find it embarrassing if I read it again, so I’ll just let someone else find it and tell me about it. Did anyone really think I would still be doing this a year later? Well, I suppose Someone did…

Time is such fickle thing. I gave up trying to measure time in days and started using weeks awhile ago. They all go by so quickly. The years are a little trickier, some aspects go by quickly and others take forever.

This year is half over already. At least it would be if you start counting a year from January first, which I usually do not. So let’s just say it’s been a year.

April second came and went with no explanation. May 25th came and went. I have been to church every Sunday for a year. That’s something. June 29th will have come and gone before I know it. Do we celebrate re-birthdays?

So this year went by fast didn’t it? But it didn’t really. My school has a new library, and ALL the time I spent there was just within the last year. I’ve lived in one place for a year, as opposed to the six moves in the prior two years. When I think of where I was living before, and the people I lived with and other friends I haven’t seen in a year, that seems like a whole other lifetime. It’s been a year since I plugged in the old “Scarecaster.” Finally, I realized the very simple answer to a complicated question that has bothered me for a year, that answer being “More than beauty.” Or perhaps, as someone once said, “You do not love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her.”

I don’t really feel the need to come to a point, given that this site has not had any hits in months. I do have a couple of stories I would like to tell. I was reluctant to do so before because I did not know the endings. But things become less important as time goes by.

“Some stories are told, some are forgotten. Which will yours be?”

Perhaps I shall have a good day of fasting, prayer, and telling stories. We shall see.

It is really quite simple. If two people disagree on something, and one of them is willing to admit that they might be wrong, while the other is absolutely convinced that they are correct, then there can be only one possible resolution.

The old web site was so flawed that I have decided to simply start over. For the curious, it is still available here. I may recycle some of the content, I may scrap it entirely. For awhile I resisted turning this site into a blog, because of the trendiness factor. I hate doing “trendy” things, but I finally had to admit that what I am doing fits naturally into blog format.

I have also been recently inspired by another blog, Real Live Preacher. Some Bibles subtitle Ecclesiasties, “Or ‘The Preacher.'” I am intrigued by the idea of a “preacher.” Not the kind who give sermons to the Saved on Sunday mornings, but someone who has walked the paths of life, who puts on the full armor of God and goes about bestowing knowledge and delivering a first-class rebuking where necessary. There is a comic book called “The Preacher,” I have never read it, but I would guess that it is not quite the same idea. RLP is not really that sort of preacher either. I am not even sure that I totally agree with his theology, but I did find his perspective refreshing. I particularly enjoyed his story entitled “John the Baptist.”

A friend of mine once proposed what he called the “Pendulum Theory.” According to his theory, in life, you run as far as you can in one direction, until you can go no further, and you will swing halfway back. Then you pick a new direction. This was the most accurate description of my life I had ever heard. Then about a year ago I asked myself, “What happens if you get back up and run in the same direction?” It occurred to me that if you keep taking two steps forward and one step backward, you will get there eventually. However, if you take two steps forward and one step to the side, you do make a lot more progress, but you end up somewhere else entirely. Although that is not necessarily a bad thing, when it comes to achieving specific goals, failure is more productive than distraction.

I lost focus for awhile. Both my job and a certain young lady from my church want a bigger piece of me than I am willing to give them. After four months in Australia, my roommates have returned, and they have been working their way through the first two seasons of “Queer as Folk,” which is not exactly the most God-honoring of TV shows. I hope there are not that many more seasons. There is a crow that has followed me to the mailbox on two separate occasions, and has flown very close to my head three times. I am not sure what to make of that. Whenever someone asks how I am, I like to say, “Good,” because I am not starving to death in a third world country.

I like the idea of “our daily bread.” There are no great miracles happening in my life, but I always seem to have enough to make it through the day. What can I say, I stumbled, I fell, but I’m getting up now, and We are going to keep walking.