Stumbling Toward God?

I’ve been casually waiting for a certain “}” for a long time. It finally came today. I took it in stride at the time, merely thinking, “Ah. I was wondering where that was.” I imagine that the greater implications may take a little time to sink in. Though perhaps now I can finally evaluate the entire block.

Easter is one of the busiest times of the year for the company I used to (and occasionally still) work for. I was loading out a stage at a church in Orange County on the first Easter after I was saved. As we were finishing up, someone from the church commented to the head of our crew “See you next year.” It seemed to me like an awfully presumptuous thing to say. How did he know we would even be here in a year?
I’m not suggesting that the company might fold. Actually, influenced by a lot of stuff I was hearing on the radio, at that time, I was under the impression that the rapture really might happen any day. To talk about something a whole year away was just absurd, for you know not what tomorrow may bring, as they say. It turns out he was not the foolish one, for a couple of Easter’s have come and gone since then.

The Muppet quote in the title is not a sentiment I agree with. Life is not like a movie. There is no ending. No matter what happens, there’s always another day after that.

For some time now, I have felt as though things were winding down. They are not really. It seems like everyone I know is getting married or having babies or moving, starting a new job, whatever. Everyone is starting something new, while I keep looking at my watch wondering “Is Jesus coming back soon, ’cause I’m pretty much done here.”

I almost wish I could say I’ve stumbled again, fallen. Or that “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” The truth is, I feel like I’m standing just as tall as I ever have, only I can’t even remember what I was looking for.

On the first day of class, one of my professors was explaining how he will only allow make-up work in extreme cases. He related a story of one student whose mother had died, I think it was somewhere in Indonesia. She had to take a fourteen hour flight plus an eight hour bus ride to just get to her village. Apparently, she was back at school in four days. This student got to make up the lab she missed.

Four days? What kind of slacker am I, taking two weeks off? But wait, I protest, it is not a fair comparison… my mother was still alive when I left. So, to be fair, after she died I only missed, let’s see… oh who bloody cares? What kind of boxed up competition is this?

My mother died in Europe, and we had a sort of memorial in Europe. For a long time I had dreams in which, since we had not yet had anything in America, and the time change putting Europe ahead of us and all, in dream logic, it worked out that she had not yet died in America, and I still had time…

Nonsense of course. But either way, that time will be over… soon.

I know, I know. I don’t write… I don’t call… I rarely even check my email anymore.

I had half a dozen topics that I wanted to write about awhile ago. I had hoped that I would get to it in the break between the summer and fall quarters at school. I didn’t, of course. Mostly I just found new ways of wasting time.

…Or week… fortnight… whatever…

Religion is the opiate of the masses.
–Karl marx

Consider instead that television has become the opiate of the masses. Consider also how television has superseded the role of “religion” in terms of storytelling/mythology and as a source for morality. Consider the decline in popularity of religion with the rise of television.
Discuss.

I have not wanted so much to drink in roughly two years, four months and eighteen days. (But who’s counting?) It was merely a lab that I was woefully unprepared for, not even that dramatic of a day. Unless of course, therein lies the problem.

I was planning on buying a bigger bowl for my goldfish this weekend. Maybe even a small aquarium with a filter system. A sunken treasure chest, perhaps. I was worried though, after I changed his water and fed him Saturday morning, he simply wouldn’t touch his food. Just drifted aimlessly, for a couple of days. Well… I didn’t want to be left with an empty tank. I was hoping that maybe he just didn’t like the Redlands heat, and would perk up again when he got back to good ol’ air conditioned Pomona. He was floating on his side when I came home today, and awfully pale for a goldfish. It was two weeks, almost to the hour, since I won him in a stupid little carnival game. I honestly hadn’t expected him to make it past the first Wednesday. But he did, and I was getting fond of that little guy. Jeremiah was a good fish. He deserved better.

Am I to cry over a dead fish? Oh for the love of… I had a boxing tuna sandwich for lunch today. I’m really just tired of things dying. Relationships, dreams, people, pets, whatever. So. Very. Tired.

The further I get
From the things that I care about
The less I care about
How much further away I get
–The Cure

On a church retreat, another world and another life later:
“When you were in the circus,” she asked innocently, “Did you know Nichole Orman?”
The only sound I hear is of a needle scratching across a record. Blink. Twice. Respond: “Yes. Yes I did.”

For so it was charged me by the word of the LORD, saying, Eat no bread, nor drink water, neither return again by the way that thou camest. (1 Kings 13:9)

Without saying a word, just click-type-click, I can make people do things. What a strange power to have.

Speaking of buttons, I feel as though I recently deleted the past year of my life. It disturbs me that I’m not more disturbed about it. We’ll just pretend it’s last summer again, and I get to start all over. Only… I’m just not in the mood to start all over.

Lately I feel like I’ve been spending most of my time on things that really do not matter. I occasionally find myself wishing I was Amish… yet I’m majoring in electrical engineering.

…It’s just so 2004.

I went out walking
Through streets paved with gold.
Lifted some stones, saw the skin and bones
Of a city without a soul.

Yeah I left with nothing,
Nothing but the thought of you.
I went wandering…
— U2 featuring Johnny Cash, “The Wanderer”