Comments on: So Far http://blog.timoth.net/2009/02/so-far.html Thu, 27 Oct 2011 22:04:52 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: timoth http://blog.timoth.net/2009/02/so-far.html#comment-95 timoth Sun, 22 Feb 2009 18:46:00 +0000 http://blog.timoth.net/wordpress/2009/02/so-far.html#comment-95 "...not going through the hard work of healing..."<br/>I keep coming back to this line over and over until I finally come to the conclusion that: yep... I really do not understand what you mean.<br/><br/>I understand that the problem is not with God but with me. For four, five, six years I read the Bible, went to church, attended study groups and worship meetings, went on mission trips, prayed and fasted... all the while waiting for God to show up and endorse my plans. I know that doesn't work; God is not interested in my plans and my timing, I get that. I have never read Matthew 7:21-23 without thinking, "Yep... that's me." I can not do it my way, it has to be God's way... Let Go And Let God...<br/><br/>But at the end of the day, I have to ask, if what I was doing does not work, then what f#$%^&ing DOES work? All these things were just to fill the time while waiting for God to show up. That did not happen, not really. There have been several times in the past when I finally decide, "That's it... I'm leaving!" It's always in those moments when I think I start to see God again... and I decide to stay for awhile longer. What kind of loving God doesn't care what I'm doing, just so long as I'm not trying to leave? <br/><br/>Sure, God leaves the 99 sheep to go after the one that has gone astray. Okay, God can (and will) do whatever He wants, of course, but I don't have to like it. <br/><br/>"He has healing and blessing for you whether you feel it or not..."<br/>That is a truly wonderful idea, and I wanted to believe it for so long... but no. I don't think so. I can not begin to describe the sickenening pain I get when I read through my old posts. I notice that the dates change, and maybe even the words change, but the ideas and the feelings behind the words do not change. Year after year after YEAR. Is this really how someone comes to Christ? To be callously dragged all through the church for SIX YEARS? I don't think so.<br/><br/>So I say it's my resolution to "Start caring again", but I certainly don't want to go back THERE. How can I? "…not going through the hard work of healing…"
I keep coming back to this line over and over until I finally come to the conclusion that: yep… I really do not understand what you mean.

I understand that the problem is not with God but with me. For four, five, six years I read the Bible, went to church, attended study groups and worship meetings, went on mission trips, prayed and fasted… all the while waiting for God to show up and endorse my plans. I know that doesn't work; God is not interested in my plans and my timing, I get that. I have never read Matthew 7:21-23 without thinking, "Yep… that's me." I can not do it my way, it has to be God's way… Let Go And Let God…

But at the end of the day, I have to ask, if what I was doing does not work, then what f#$%^&ing DOES work? All these things were just to fill the time while waiting for God to show up. That did not happen, not really. There have been several times in the past when I finally decide, "That's it… I'm leaving!" It's always in those moments when I think I start to see God again… and I decide to stay for awhile longer. What kind of loving God doesn't care what I'm doing, just so long as I'm not trying to leave?

Sure, God leaves the 99 sheep to go after the one that has gone astray. Okay, God can (and will) do whatever He wants, of course, but I don't have to like it.

"He has healing and blessing for you whether you feel it or not…"
That is a truly wonderful idea, and I wanted to believe it for so long… but no. I don't think so. I can not begin to describe the sickenening pain I get when I read through my old posts. I notice that the dates change, and maybe even the words change, but the ideas and the feelings behind the words do not change. Year after year after YEAR. Is this really how someone comes to Christ? To be callously dragged all through the church for SIX YEARS? I don't think so.

So I say it's my resolution to "Start caring again", but I certainly don't want to go back THERE. How can I?

]]> By: Anonymous http://blog.timoth.net/2009/02/so-far.html#comment-94 Anonymous Fri, 20 Feb 2009 07:31:37 +0000 http://blog.timoth.net/wordpress/2009/02/so-far.html#comment-94 So Jen M. just read your blog to me and I listened and could hear your voice the whole way through. So of course you know the first reaction is that we are both worried about you and you are just going to have to live with that. I am not where you are, but I have been. And last week my prayer request for the pastoral staff and elders at church was that I would understand and feel that Christ loved me, that I would really get it because I am tired of not feeling it as richly and deeply as God must be able to love me. So you are NOT alone in your doubt and frustration... at some point I faced that the deficit isn't with God...it is in me and my wounds and fears-and the answer is all in Him...but I have had to deal with some really painful wounds that HURT to pray about and face some pretty nasty realities about my sinful stubbornness and pride...and impatience that everything hasn't panned out in my timing...especially in the realm of emotional healing. Tim, you have been through a lot. You really love your mom and this is a cold and isolating world. But you do have people that care about you even when you tell them they are boring all the time and break their vases. You also have to do the hard work of healing, and just like the cheesy/thoughtless Christian answers and pretensions of faith don't cut it, saying you want faith and not going through the hard work of healing and sticking it out doesn't cut it either. He has healing and blessing for you whether you feel it or not...whether you feel it or not He is worth the battle to faith and trust. And as you work through it, we all need to be in a place where we are cared about and helped by genuine friends who we can be honest and accepted by...your wanting the loneliness thing cured is legitimate. He intended for us to learn about His love through each other. So one part of that is in this pathetically small house where we force you to watch the last 33 endings of LOTR and force feed you, but hey. You gotta take the good with the bad! So Jen M. just read your blog to me and I listened and could hear your voice the whole way through. So of course you know the first reaction is that we are both worried about you and you are just going to have to live with that. I am not where you are, but I have been. And last week my prayer request for the pastoral staff and elders at church was that I would understand and feel that Christ loved me, that I would really get it because I am tired of not feeling it as richly and deeply as God must be able to love me. So you are NOT alone in your doubt and frustration… at some point I faced that the deficit isn’t with God…it is in me and my wounds and fears-and the answer is all in Him…but I have had to deal with some really painful wounds that HURT to pray about and face some pretty nasty realities about my sinful stubbornness and pride…and impatience that everything hasn’t panned out in my timing…especially in the realm of emotional healing. Tim, you have been through a lot. You really love your mom and this is a cold and isolating world. But you do have people that care about you even when you tell them they are boring all the time and break their vases. You also have to do the hard work of healing, and just like the cheesy/thoughtless Christian answers and pretensions of faith don’t cut it, saying you want faith and not going through the hard work of healing and sticking it out doesn’t cut it either. He has healing and blessing for you whether you feel it or not…whether you feel it or not He is worth the battle to faith and trust. And as you work through it, we all need to be in a place where we are cared about and helped by genuine friends who we can be honest and accepted by…your wanting the loneliness thing cured is legitimate. He intended for us to learn about His love through each other. So one part of that is in this pathetically small house where we force you to watch the last 33 endings of LOTR and force feed you, but hey. You gotta take the good with the bad!

]]> By: timoth http://blog.timoth.net/2009/02/so-far.html#comment-93 timoth Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:13:10 +0000 http://blog.timoth.net/wordpress/2009/02/so-far.html#comment-93 Epilogue:<br/> <br/>After writing this, I was lying awake thinking through another issue that I have been dealing with, and I caught myself trying to appeal to God.<br/> <i>What is the matter with you? After spending a significant part of the day explaining how and why you are finished with God, then mere hours later, after avoiding prayer for over a year, you try to come to God with this? How can you possibly think that would work?</i><br/><br/>I also have to admit that at several points while writing this story, I imagined certain people throwing up they're hands in frustration and asking how I could possibly NOT see God working through my life in all of this. And I have seen evidence of God working in my life, I said that. But when I watch people worshiping, I know that I have never seen or felt the joy and the love that they are expressing.<br/><br/>I realized then that a large part of my frustration was that it seemed that I could neither win nor lose with God, and that after nearly six years of searching for a "Yes" or a "No", the best that I had ever come up with was "Well, maybe." And when I find myself now trying to choose my path for the future, after over a year of stagnation, of course I considered giving the church another try. But I have to ask myself, "What kind of fool would keep returning to a well that he has always found dry? No matter how many people insist that there is water to be had there?" I can not put myself through that again. I need another path. Epilogue:

After writing this, I was lying awake thinking through another issue that I have been dealing with, and I caught myself trying to appeal to God.
What is the matter with you? After spending a significant part of the day explaining how and why you are finished with God, then mere hours later, after avoiding prayer for over a year, you try to come to God with this? How can you possibly think that would work?

I also have to admit that at several points while writing this story, I imagined certain people throwing up they’re hands in frustration and asking how I could possibly NOT see God working through my life in all of this. And I have seen evidence of God working in my life, I said that. But when I watch people worshiping, I know that I have never seen or felt the joy and the love that they are expressing.

I realized then that a large part of my frustration was that it seemed that I could neither win nor lose with God, and that after nearly six years of searching for a “Yes” or a “No”, the best that I had ever come up with was “Well, maybe.” And when I find myself now trying to choose my path for the future, after over a year of stagnation, of course I considered giving the church another try. But I have to ask myself, “What kind of fool would keep returning to a well that he has always found dry? No matter how many people insist that there is water to be had there?” I can not put myself through that again. I need another path.

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